A Little Girl

I've had this post, along with others about my life, sitting in my Draft folder, for quite awhile. In many ways, I was unsure if I wanted to post and share them, as they
are deeply personal. Part of my soul, part of who I am.

Part of me as always felt that I wasn't very interesting, that I wasn't worthy, that I wasn't deserving, that I wouldn't amount to anything, that I deserved everything I got and other negative crap.

2008, for some reason, was the year in which I began to come to terms with what had happened to me, how it had affected me and who I was. It was my soul-searching year. The year I began to feel comfortable in my skin. The year I began to talk about my past and no longer cared about anybody judging me.

Writing it all down has helped, so I've decided to share those writings. Perhaps with the hope that maybe there are others out there, who have struggled with their past. Who maybe look perfectly confident, happy and normal to those who look at them, but in reality there is this big, painful hole inside. Maybe this will help them. Maybe this will help them realise that they are not alone..



She was a happy little girl. She lived in a nice house, in a quiet street near the river.

Her Mummy and Daddy adored her. In fact, she was even a little spoilt. It didn't matter at all to her, that her Mummy and Daddy were a little older than the other kid's parents. They loved her and she loved them and that's all that mattered.

One day, when she was not quite 7yrs old, she abruptly found herself standing in her Uncle and Aunt's hallway, her suitcases at her feet. People were rushing around her and she had no idea why she was there or even how she had got there. She stood alone, crying quietly for her Mummy and Daddy.

She remembered that her Dad had taken her to school that day, on his way to work, as he usually did.

After school, like she always did, she walked home with the neighbour's kids.

When she went inside, her Mum wasn't waiting with cocoa and biscuits (cookies) like she usually was.

Her Mum was lying on the bed, asleep. She'd been very tired lately.

So, she made herself afternoon tea and played quietly with her dolls in the living room.

When her Dad came home, she told him that her Mum was asleep, so she was being quiet so as not to wake her.

Then her life became confusion.

After awhile, another Aunt took pity on the crying little girl in the hallway.

She explained that the Angels had come and taken her Mummy to heaven, not long after she had gone to school.

She explained that she would now be living with her Aunt, Uncle and little cousin.

She explained that her Mum and Dad were really her Grandparents and that her Aunt, Uncle and cousin were her real Mum, Dad and brother.

The little girl did not understand any of this.

She didn't understand why God needed her Mum more than she did. After all God was a grownup person and old and she was just little and very young.

She didn't understand why her Aunt was telling her that her Mum and Dad weren't her Mum and Dad.

She didn't understand why her Aunt was telling her, that the reason she lived with her Grandparents, was because her real Mum and Dad did not have the room for her.

She did not understand how they had room for her brother. He was younger than her. So how come they didn't have room for her ? Maybe she'd been really, really bad.

Nobody gave her an explanation, so she decided that she must have really been very bad.

That little girl, in the photo above, is me. It's one of the few photos I have of myself as a child. They were taken by my Grandmother and given to me, a few years ago, by my Aunt.


The lady on the right of this photo is my Grandmother, the man on the left, my Grandad.

I will always be grateful to those two wonderful people. They are who I will always think of as my true Mum and Dad.

The unconditional love that they gave me during those short years, gave me the strength to survive what came after. That love, especially that of my Grandmother, got me through that horrible day. I think I sensed that she was there, as I have at other moments of my life, holding me.

I also found out, many years later, that my Grandad had not wanted to give me back to my Mother, that he'd wanted to keep me. That meant a lot.

They both have a very special place in my heart.

The woman in the middle is my Mother. She and I had an extremely complicated relationship. For a long time we have had no relationship at all. That's been by her choice, not mine.

That's a post I'm working on...

Shepherd's Pie

One of my favourite comfort food dishes to do with a leftover roast, especially lamb and chicken, is to make Shepherd's Pie.

It's easy, yummy and if you plan it right, requires very little prep work.

We had roast lamb for dinner, Saturday night. Before roasting the lamb, I made slits in the meat and inserted pieces of fresh garlic and fresh ginger. This adds a lovely flavour to the roast and can help tone down the strong flavour that some American lamb has. It also imparts a rich flavour to the meat juices.

As I was planning to use the leftovers for the Shepherd's Pie, I made extra mashed potatoes and gravy.

If you have leftover vegetables from your roast dinner, like roasted pumpkin/squash, roasted sweet potato (known as kumera in NZ), etc, you can always cut them up into small pieces and add them to the meat.

SHEPHERD'S PIE

Leftover roast (lamb ,chicken or beef go well)
Leftover gravy
Leftover mashed potatoes
Packet of frozen mixed vegetables (I used one of those 12 oz Steam Fresh packages)
Extra left over veges from the roast meal (chop into small pieces)
2 tbsp - 1/4 cup butter (Depends on how much butter you want to use!)

Preheat oven to 400 deg F.


Cube the leftover roast into small pieces. I ended up with approximately 3 cups of lamb.


Mix in the mixed veges and any other leftovers that you may be using. I steamed the mixed veges, in their packet, first. This makes them easier to mix in and cuts down on the cooking time as the veges are no longer frozen.


Mix in the leftover gravy. I had about 3 cups. I usually heat the gravy as well, as it makes it a little easier to add.


Spread the mashed potatoes over the meat mixture. Don't smooth the top down, you want it rough with little peaks, etc. Dot small pieces of butter all over the top of your pie. This makes the top of the pie lovely and brown and crisp. You can leave it off if you want, but I think it tastes better with the butter :-)


Put in oven and bake for about 45 minutes or until pie is heated through, bubbling and top is browned.

If the dish is full to the top, you might want to place it in a roasting pan or on a tray, while cooking, as sometimes it will bubble over.

Enjoy !!!

Camera Critters ... A Dog's Life......

I'd already been up for almost an hour, when I went back into the bedroom and snapped this photo.

Note the head on pillow and covers pulled up over him.

He does that, not me.

Uses his teeth to pull the covers over himself.


"Mum, will you stop sticking that flashy thing in my face !! Can't you see I'm trying to sleep here !!!!"


It's a dog's life round these parts, that's for sure ....

I swear he thinks he's a human .....

Go to CAMERA CRITTERS and join in the fun.

Friday Foto Finish Fiesta .... My *Babies* ..

It's Friday and it's a Fiesta !! At least it is, thanks to Candid Carrie ! :-)


One of my favourite photos of my twins, Stephen and Christina.

I think they were about 5 when this photo was taken. Hard to believe that my *babies* will be turning 30, this year. Where has the time gone !!

They look as though they were deep in serious conversation...

From memory, I think it was taken around Shelley Bay in Wellington, NZ.

Happy New Year !!!!

A VERY HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL OF YOU AND ESPECIALLY TO MY FAMILY, FRIENDS AND READERS, DOWN UNDER IN NEW ZEALAND AND AUSTRALIA, WHO ARE ALREADY IN 2009.

This year has been *interesting*.

It's been a year of emotional turmoil, of coming to terms with stuff from my past and letting go. It ended with my husband losing his job due to the current economic climate.

I'm not sure what the coming year will bring. There is the hope of a possible new job for my husband, that will pay more and has great benefits. I have my fingers crossed!!

Whatever this new year brings, I am ready to meet it head on and with far more strength that I had in 2008.

My hopes for all of you, is that 2009 will be easier. That many of your dreams will be fulfilled. That for those of you facing difficulties, your way will be softened by the love and support of family and friends.

I leave you in 2008 with this song from Cliff Richard. It's called the 'Millennium Prayer' and he sang it at the Millennium celebrations in London. What happens at about 2.30 minutes into the song, always brings a lump to my throat.



See you all in 2009 !!!!

Karen

A Fun Winter's Day

We have this little lake/lagoon, that's about a comfortable, 10 minute stroll from my place. It's host to a variety of bird life, ground squirrels and much to my consternation, a couple of years ago, rabid bats. Haven't seen any dead bats lying around for awhile, so I'm hoping they cleared up that particular problem.

The word 'rabid' has the same effect on this Kiwi, as 'snakes'. Neither of which I had encountered before coming over here. Well, not quite true, I had met a couple of snakes when on holiday in Australia, however, that is another story and I digress.

Yesterday, was a beautiful winter's day, with the temperatures above normal, so Taylor and I decided that a picnic lunch at the lake would be a nice way to spend it.


The half frozen lake looked very pretty, with the snow covered foothills and mountains in the background. There were a couple of intrepid fishermen out on the pier hoping to catch the 'Big One'. At the point that I took this photo, even the 'little ones' were eluding them.

Taylor and I sat at a picnic table, eating our lunch and watching this view. The geese provided a comic interlude as they took off and then came into land. They'd hit the ice and give various interpretations of far from graceful skaters :-).


After lunch, we set off for a walk around the lake. A couple were feeding this collection of geese. The geese were getting rather combative over the bread scraps, with lots of hissing,pecking and sliding going on. Not sure why, as they all look pretty well fed !!!


Taylor had a fit of the giggles, at one point, when she turned around and found that we had a line of geese , sashaying along the path behind us. This one was almost on our heels.


A little family group. Not sure what kind of geese? these are. There's not a lot of them on the lake and they tend to stick together in little groups.


These two, happily sunbathing, let me get quite close ......


... before they waddled off to the water.


Around 2pm, there was suddenly a great commotion in the sky. Hundreds of geese appeared, wheeling and honking. It was rather amazing to watch. I gathered they'd been out hunting for food or something and were returning to the lake for the night.



Two of my favourite views of the lake. You'd think those townhouse in the distance, would cost a small fortune, considering the view that they have. However, they are part of an affordable housing development that the city is involved in.


Taylor, red faced and hanging upside down. Like the crossed leg thing that she has going on. :-)


The pink vest is one of my favourite presents. My friends Lori & Shawnee, Taylor's mum & dad, gave it to me for Christmas. It holds all my photography gear and is so much easier than logging around a camera bag. It's got 18 pockets !!

Sitting on top is my 'new' baby. An Olympus OM-G with a 28-85 mm lens. I've decided to go back to photography's roots and master using an 35mm SLR camera.

I used up two rolls of film on our walk, and am looking forward to seeing how they turned out as I'm still learning and experimenting.

You don't get the instant gratification of digital, however, I'd forgotten how detailed using film was. I was looking at the results of another roll that I'd shot. The water looked like silk and you could see all the individual ripples.

I took the above photos using my digital, point and shoot camera and then took the same or similar shot using my SLR. Going to be interesting to see the difference.

Anybody else also using a 35mm SLR ?

Awesome Sunset

I think that sometimes, in this life, we are often in too much of a hurry to stop and observe the wonders around us.

Late yesterday afternoon, the hubby and I took a stroll up to our local Walmart, to deliver a Christmas gift to a friend who works there and pick up the makings for a homemade pizza.

On the way back, we were treated to one of the most awe inspiring sunsets, that I've seen for awhile.





We watched, enthralled, as the sky over the snow covered mountains, went from a few bright clouds to being on fire with the most beautiful pink, gold and orange. It was truely a gift for the senses.

I wonder how much we would have seen if we had been driving. In our hurry to get home, to negotiate the busy road and all the other things that command our attention, I think this would have been missed, or just briefly commented on, if we had happened to glance up at the sky. This morning, it's a memory that brings a smile to my face.

I'm not big on New Year's resolutions. They're often broken or forgotten within a very short time. :-)

However, this is one that I'm going to work hard at keeping. To take more time to watch and appreciate the beauty and wonder that is around me. It may be the obvious, like that sunset. It can also be the lines and wrinkles on an elderly person's face, that speak of years of wisdom, laughter, pain and hard work. An old house that is falling into neglected ruin or the smile on a child's face when they finally get what you've been trying to explain to them.

These are all things that have their own, special brand of beauty and wonder. Sometimes we have to look at them in a different way to realise that. However, it is there if we only take the time to appreciate it.

So what do you find beauty and wonder in ? Are you going to take the time , this coming year, to find it and appreciate it?

Belated Christmas :-)

I was planning to post these on Christmas Eve as my Christmas post, so this is a little belated. Better late than never :-)

They are three of my favourite Christmas songs from Boney M. I like them that much that I have them on my MP3 player and listen to them all year. Keeps the Christmas spirit alive...

Enjoy...


MARY'S BOY CHILD/OH MY LORD


LITTLE DRUMMER BOY


WHEN A CHILD IS BORN (Embedding was disabled on this one. A beautiful rendition)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VZfjIAmfH8w

I'm Back ....

Methinks I've been curled up in a ball, hiding my head in my hands for long enough. Time to crawl out of the cave and rejoin life !!!!

As you have probably guessed, life and my emotions, have been a little tumultuous over the last six months or so. Things became a little more stressful, when my husband's job became a casualty of the current economic climate.

However, there now appears to be glimmers of light on the near horizon and the funk is lifting....

Will be catching up on my blog reading and updating mine over the next day or so :-)

So, can anybody explain an 8 yr old's need to wear roller skates when it's like a sheet of ice outside??? She's currently watching 'Mamma Mia' and trying to disco dance in the darn things!!!

A BELATED MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL AND MAY YOUR NEW YEAR BE FILLED WITH BLESSINGS !!

Taco Ring

This is my adaption of the 'Pampered Chef Taco Ring'. I used larger crescent rolls, ground turkey and my own taco mix.

I really do not like store bought taco mix, as I find that it tends to be way too salty for my taste, so I make my own and keep it in an airtight container.

Taco Mix

8 tbsps chili powder
3 tsps garlic powder
3 tsps onion powder
3 tsps crushed red pepper
2 tsps dried oregano
4 tsps paprika
12 tsps ground cumin
2 tsps black pepper

Mix all together and keep in an airtight container.


Taco Ring

Packet of ground turkey ( I usually buy the 1.25 lb packet)
1 Poblano pepper, diced
1 small onion, diced
2 1/2 cups grated cheese (Mexican mix or Sharp)
Taco mix to taste (I used 3 tbsp) or a packet of taco mix.
2 tbsp water
2 containers of large Pilsbury Crescent rolls (there are 6 to a container)

Preheat oven to 375 deg F


Cook ground turkey until pink has disappeared


Transfer to a bowl and mix in the taco seasoning, water and 2 cups of cheese


Mix in the chopped onion and poblano


Sprinkle a pizza stone with cornmeal or grease an oven tray.

Arrange the crescent rolls evenely in a circle with the wider ends towards the middle. I didn't make mine very even, as a result one portion was a little doughy. They will overlap each other, just try not bunch them up !!


Mound the meat mixture in a circle. You will have some meat mixture left over. So use those to make meatballs, hamburger patties or mix with some ground beef, egg, extra taco seasoning and extra onion to make a meatloaf.


Bring the ends of the crescent rolls over top of the meat mixture and tuck in, There will be portions of meat showing, but that is okay.


Sprinkle with the remaining half cup of cheese.


Bake in oven for 30 minutes or until golden brown.

Serve with a salad and salsa ..

Friday's Foto Finish Fiesta ... From Halloween Past

It's Friday and it's a Fiesta !! At least it is, thanks to Candid Carrie ! :-)


My granddaughter , Sacha, in 1999 . It was the first Halloween, where she actually went up to the door by herself ...


Okay, so you knock on the door and then stand and wait ....


Then someone comes out...you say 'Twick or Tweat' (we spent hours teaching her that!)...looks at you and says 'Ooohhh ..how cute' ...than hands you candy...


Then you climb down the stairs and head off to the next house with Mum and Grandma in hot pursuit. You got the idea, after the first two houses, that knocking on front doors gets you candy.


Time for a pit stop !!!!


Mum decided it might be a good idea to remove some of the treats .... sort of, out of sight and out of mind !!

Unfortunately the night came to an abrupt end, when we went to one house, that was very nicely decorated. However, when Sacha knocked on the door, this Alien (looked like one of those from Area 51), appeared. Sacha took one look ... let out a piercing scream ... dropped all her candy ... and took off running. When we asked her if she wanted to go and knock on any more doors, we just got a loud 'NOOOOOOOOOOO' in response. Poor kid, but it was quite funny at the time...

As to this Halloween and why I've been MIA for the last week or so......


There was yards and yards of black net .... oh, and yards and yards of teal fabric ..


And 14 sleeve petals ....


Plus 15 waist petals ...


A corset with boning, sequins, etc ....


An under dress ..


Which , eventually, all came together to look like this..

A Halloween costume for my friend's teenage daughter !!!

I'm quite pleased with the way it's turned out. :-)

HAVE A SAFE AND HAPPY HALLOWEEN !!!!

Fallin' Off Yer Bike ....

Considering my propensity for nearly falling off my bike or actually falling off it ... usually due to some idiot motorist thinking that he/she does not have to yeild to me, when I have the right of way, at driveways and intersections ... this course might be just the ticket for me !! :-)

My normal modus operandi in those situations, is to jam my brakes on and use my feet as a power assist to my brakes. This usually results in a less than elegant near, or full on, introduction to the tarmac, while mouthing unprintable things at the clueless driver.

I rather like the idea of being able to gracefully leap off my bike, like the NZ bobby (police officer), pictured below, is doing.

Yup ... can just see me doing that :-)

**************************************************************
MARTIN DE RUYTER/Nelson Mail
RUN FOR IT: Sergeant Mike Fitzsimons uses a tactical speed dismount technique to catch course instructor Marianne Draijer during police cycle training in Nelson.

Bicycle Cops Leap At Opportunity
By STACEY KNOTT - Nelson | Saturday, 25 October 2008

Nelson police officers now know how to fall off a bike.

Cycling coach Marianne Draijer has been putting police through their paces, teaching them how to dodge cones, do repairs, and something Senior Constable Garry Dunn likes to call "speed and tactical dismounting" or, in Mrs Draijer's words, how to fall off a bike.

They have had two practice sessions so far, which police must pass in order to use new bikes that were introduced in August.

Police currently have one bike in Nelson which is equipped with flashing lights, a loud siren, first aid kits and ticket books, and plan to eventually add another three for Stoke and Nelson.

"It's twofold --we will use them to enforce cyclists' behaviour and for covert and overt urban control," Mr Dunn said.

Yesterday police completed their bicycle training at Saxton Field.

During an earlier training session, while practising how to "tactfully dismount a bike at speed" around the Nelson courthouse, Mr Dunn "played the bad guy" while Senior Constable Hamish Blanch learned how to jump off a bike and tackle the role of pursuer.

After dismounting and chasing Mr Dunn around the grounds, Mr Blanch "got a bit carried away with the enjoyment of it", and tackled him to the ground, Mr Dunn joked.

New uniforms, essential to complete the bobbies on bikes look, are awaiting approval. So far, it's cycle shorts with police polo shirts and the police logo on the helmets. Mr Dunn said the look was important because "the policeman's authority comes from the uniform he wears".

However, the bike officers would also be "an approachable face for the public", he said.

The new bikes had already been used to catch a bike thief and school truants who would not have been caught if the police were in a patrol car, Mr Dunn said.

The bikes give officers a better view of what was going on on the streets, such as pedestrian behaviour, he said.

Eighteen officers signed up for the training, with seven completing it so far.