Monday, 11 August 2008

Mother Nature, I Have A Bone To Pick With You !!!

Dear Mother Nature,

I've had one of your children, Auntie Flo, living with me since I was 12 years old.

She hasn't been too bad a roommate. She's had her moments over the years and she took a few extended holidays, where she was away for 9 months at a time, give or take a couple of weeks.

Over the last couple of years she's gotten a bit cranky and unreliable, so I started suggesting that it was about time she left.

About a year ago, she finally took the hint and departed for greener pastures. I was very happy, even excited. It was time for a whole new, Aunty Floless stage of my life. The world was my oyster !

However, she appears to have left some of her baggage behind.

Like 'Hot Flashes' and her twin sister 'Cold Flashes'.

It's in the high 90's here at the moment. So why would you or Aunty Flo think that I still needed the company of 'Hot Flashes' ? I'm hot enough already, thankyou very much!

As to 'Cold Flashes'. She's no help around the house. I find myself having to go and have a hot bath, because she's made me so cold that my fingers have turned white and I haven't been able to stop shivering. Did I mention that we're having 90+ degree weather! 'Cold Flashes' would be so more appreciated if she was like a cooling gentle breeze and not a freakin' ARTIC BLAST !!

Did you know that 'PMS' also seems to have been left behind. She's currently sleeping in my spare bedroom. However, she still wakes up once a month and has a playdate with 'Cramps', 'Bloating', 'Headache' and 'Mood Swings'. It really is all a bit too much!

And what's with this hair thing??

How come the hair on top of my head seems to be thinning a bit, but I have hair appearing in places that I never had hair before? Like my chin, my upper lip, up my nostril and other places that I won't mention.

Plus I appear to be developing my Great Uncle Stanley's and Grandfather's eyebrows. Do you, Mother Nature, realise how much serious plucking that those suckers require?

Now, I know you're a really busy lady, what with Global Warming and all that. But if you wouldn't mind stopping by on your way to Fall, or the latest Glacier Melting party or whatever it is you're doing these days and pick up my worn out their welcome house guests, I'd be ever so grateful. I really do think I've done more than my fair share in keeping them entertained !

Yours sincerely,

A disgruntled subject.

121 comments:

Kat said...

Karen you are too hilarious! Do you think that mother nature will ever come by to retrieve your unwanted house guests?! My mom complains that she never gets hot flashes in the winter when one might be welcome. But I dont' recall ever hearing about a cold flash. I am not sure which - of all the house guests - sounds worse!

Lori said...

lol!

Wait a minute... this doesn't sound like much fun. Can I opt out now?

Lula! said...

Karen--I am LOVING THIS!!!!! You are hysterical. This needs to be printed in a magazine for the world to read. Seriously.

And there's a reason no "Karen Towns" exist. It's because you are from Middle Earth--which is way cooler than anything we have here. Somewhere north of Hobbiton is a Karenland...I'm sure of it!

Chris H said...

Mother Nature can stop by my place too... though I don't get the cold flashes... YET.

Hot Tub Lizzy said...

Oh my GOSH how funny....!!! You are FUNNY!

I came over to thank you for stopping by my blog last week on my SITS day! But I didn't realize I would get a big kick out of you when I got here!

Thanks for the smile!

Heather said...

You are the second blogger I've found today with this particular left over baggage. I'm getting scared...

Anne said...

LOL - can relate to this! Especially today as have just come back from having legs and chin waxed. The things we woman do.

I agree with the other comments, very funny post.

Jenny said...

Hi, I am Jenny and a friend of Chris H and Anne from New Zealand. They both told me to stop by your blog. It's great. Love these comments today. Hey it does get better ...LOL Well so I am told :)
Love your recipes.
Cheers,
Jenny :)

Mrs4444 said...

Not looking forward to that....

Jenny said...

Hi Karen (again LOL )
Yep I am close to Anne & Chris. Foxton LOL. Have 2 daughters in Wellington & 1 in Sydney.
Hope it warms up here before you come back :) Thanks for stopping by my blog :)

Nichole and Scott said...

OH MY GOODNESS! I AM LAUGHING SO HARD AND SO FEEL YOUR PAIN! I too have had my share of all but the arctic freeze. I'll take me some of that rather than the wringing wet clothes and undergarments. YUCK!!! I'm not even 36 and you've already been here for way tooo long. It's hard to feel beautiful while your husband points out you have more hair under your chin and on your upper lip than he does. (Ok I may be exagerating a tiny bit but the hair is there. Or it was til I waxed and chemically treated it this morning.) I think it's high time you take a vacation. I have an idea for good old "Mother Nature/AUNT FLOW/ ETC."How about they long walk off of a short pier?!

Thanks for the great laugh! I so needed it!

DYSFUNCTIONAL MOM said...

Just last night I was talking about how I wish menopause would just come on already. Maybe I should rethink that.....lol!

Rhea said...

I've never heard of cold flashes. That sounds kind of interesting.

You do have a lot of unwanted house guests. You need to kick them all to the curb, as quickly as possible. Good luck with that!

1bitrcountrygirl said...

Too funny!

Hippomanic Jen said...

I am so excited to look forward to the future. Thanks for that!

Stephanie said...

Hahhaaa That was so funny! At first, I was reading and thought, awww poor Auntie passed away... then I realized the metaphor and I had to start the hilarious letter again!

Lilly's Life said...

This is a great post and oh so true. I found myself shaking my head and nodding all the way though. I am just waiting for the cold flashes though. Can't wait for them! Visiting on your SITS day - congrats - you well and truly deserve it!

Esther said...

Oh no, that's not much to look forward to is it. I'm still getting over the back aches and leg aches and varicous veins that I suddenly developed in my last pregnancy and that come back every time "Aunt Flo" visits. But at least that's only once a month.

Lavender n Latt├ęs said...

I love this post! Hilarious - and very entertaining!

trashalou said...

Hey! I spent last night painting with my (all much older than me) group of girls. My face was burning the entire time, CK suggested menopause was infectious and I was experiencing hot flushes.

So here's the plan - go hang out with some other women who have unwanted houseguests then find a woman in her twenties or thirties and just be with her. Slowly it will leach across then you and the other freed women can run crazy down the streets celebrating!

KC Kanenwishers said...

This is seriously the funniest post! You just totally brightened my day with your wit!

Erin Jean said...

That was absolutely wonderful! Even though I am only 24 years old and have no idea what is in store for me during that time, your imagery is so magnificent! I did send a link to your blog to a few ladies in my family that are currently relating to you though! Strong women built on years of abuse from aunt flo, especially during her return from 9 month vacations, you would think her leaving is supposedly a reward for all those years. Too bad if she doesn't take all her baggage & possessions you cannot just mail them to her! :)

Debora said...

I'm not quite there yet - but this post was hysterical! Now with only a few years left with my house guest still sticking around, I might want to make her more comfortable, not sure I want her leave just yet...thanks for the smile this morning! :)

Cheryl said...

LMBO, I know what you are saying girl. Mother Nature seems to think she is playing a joke on us or what?

Casey's trio said...

Hilarious post! I don't look forward to menopause at all.

Mandy said...

LOL!! I love this!

Simply Shannon said...

I've finally figured it out...the reason I get along with my Mom so much, is because I have another Mother to hate!
Stupid Mother Nature. She's such a hag.

addhumorandfaith said...

Karen -- I must have missed this when you posted it originally, so I'm glad it's featured on SITS today. I wouldn't want to miss it --it's hilarious! -- and true!

btw, I just joined SITS because of reading about it on your recent post. Thank you. It looks like fun.

Carey said...

I'm so not looking forward to this stage in life...but I am so sharing this post with my mom!

My First Kitchen said...

I need to send this to my mom; you guys could be kindred spirits... and form an alliance to attack and drive away the houseguests. :) Congrats on being the SITS feature today!! Enjoy!

Megryansmom said...

I share those sentiments and second your request. Be gone you hormonal crazies!

Creative Junkie said...

rotf!

I've been registering complaints with Mother Nature for years now.

I think she's ignoring me.

Amanda in GA said...

I had to have crazy Aunt Flo surgically removed but somehow she still managed to leave her baggage with me too! Thanks for the laugh

Stitchinwitch said...

That is funny and unnerving too. I still have Aunt Flo here and I was looking forward to her leaving but now I'm not so sure

Jen said...

So what was her answer, I would really like to know.

Heather said...

I am cracking up over here! Hopefully I have a few years before I face this one, but my sweet MIL has been dealing with this for the past couple of years. I am so referring her to this post today. I know she will get a laugh out of it.

I have written to Mother Nature before, and had positive results. I hope this works out for you...

Shanda said...

Hilarious post, my daughter is getting close to the age when Auntie Flo starts coming to visit. I'm hoping we survive.

April said...

Boy, can I ever relate!! Though I'm premenopausal, I still wish Auntie Flo would pack her bags and be gone for good!!! I've had enough of that ol' hag!! :)

Anna Lefler said...

You know, I've had some lousy roommates in my time, but these deadbeats have GOT to GO!

Good luck kickin' 'em out!!!

:^) Anna

Hot Tub Lizzy said...

Commenting again - I so love this post.

Happy SITS day!!!

nikkicrumpet said...

Very funny stuff...not that I mean to laugh at your pain. I'm not there yet...getting VERY close....and gee...you make it sound like so much fun!

Clippergirl56 said...

That is hilarious. I can so relate to the hot flashes. I could have sure used the cold flashes sometimes myself.

Tabitha Blue said...

That was a hilarious read! Nicely put into a letter... maybe she'll respond now. Hmm, maybe I'll see if she can stay around for a long time so that I don't get those other uninvited guests! :)

~Tabitha~

Nina said...

Funny, very very funny. Why is it mother nature blesses us woman and the men are left alone?

Melodie said...

I've been wishing Aunt Flo away for years, but I'm afraid she'll be here for another decade at least. Of course, it doesn't really sound like the alternative is all that great either. Why do the men have it so freakin' easy?

Laura Ingalls Gunn said...

I shall not laugh because it will be me all to soon. :)

Melissa Lester said...

Oh, my, your letter is so funny! I didn't even know about cold flashes. Those symptoms do not sound like fun at all. We women have to be tough!

Sheri said...

I wondered where those guys went to when they finally left my house a couple years ago! The good news is they do eventually move on and things become "Normal" again but in the meantime life is chaotic! Your blog was hilarious and oh so true. I have been there.

Rhea said...

I love this post. Hilarious! I still think cold flashes sound interesting...

jewelstreet said...

Ha! This is hilarious!

tidymom said...

What a funny post!!! unfortunately Aunt Flo is still my guest, but it doesn't sound like the other guests are any better! LOL---I'm thinking of hanging up a "NO VACANCIES" sign! LOL

Happy SITS day!!

~Tidymom

Jade, Will and Illy said...

I didn't know about cold flashes either! You made me giggle so much with this... Thanks :D Great post!!

Dawn@Embracing the Ordinary Life said...

LOL>..ah to be a woman.

Me said...

Hilarious! I by no means am laughing at your misery. Just the opposite, I feel for you! :)

Danielle said...

I guess if it's not Aunt Flo is the remnants of herself she leaves behind....always something!

Christie said...

So funny! What a great post. Aunt flo hasn't left me yet but she's sure a pain when she comes around.

KiKi said...

Are we related? I have an Aunt Flo too, and b*tch just won't leave!

Michele said...

Now, this is my kind of writing. Funny. And I love that comment right above mine about "are we related?" Funny, funny stuff!

Brooke Jean said...

Thank you for making my day. Hilarious! However, I'm sorry your house guests drove you to call upon dear Mother Nature. I hope she makes time drag them away!

Mrs. S said...

How funny! I've enjoyed my first break from Aunt Flo when I got pregnant with my son. I'm looking forward to more of her vacations!

Rachel Ann said...

That was a hysterical post!

3 Kids and Us said...

That was hilarious...and scary. I'm not looking forward to that part of my life, especially seeing how bad the baggage relatives of Aunt Flo affected my own mother.

Amy said...

Hilarious. It sucks to grow up :D

koopermom said...

Too funny!!! Thanks for the smile.

~~tonya~~ said...

Too funny!!

jen.at.work said...

oh the joys of being a woman. i.can't.wait.

Jen B. said...

You are so funny! The joys of womanhood!

The Boss Lady said...

I've been blessed with Aunt Flo since I was 10, and I've been praying for menopause for a while (and I'm only 31). Maybe I'll rethink that...

EmmaP said...

hahaha! before my hysterectomy (at age 30) i was sick all the time. Try having Aunt Flo come and stay for 90 days straight!!! ugh! she gets so bossy and overwhelming! I couldn't go anywhere for fear everyone would notice her! anyway, pre-hystee days, I took these Lupron injections...gave me hot flashes soooo bad. No one understood why a 30 yr old was having hot flashes. I hate them! felt like little chiggers were scratching through my cheeks! I don't envy you! but what a great post it makes!!! happy SITS day!

sassy stephanie said...

O.M.Gosh that was so funny!

sandwiched said...

Ugh...so not looking forward to it. Meh.

Lorrie said...

What a great post--hilarious! I've really enjoyed your blog!

Jenni said...

That is funny. . . although, probbly funnier from where I am sitting that from your perspective!

ElleBee said...

What an absolutely hysterical post! Such a shame that Mother Nature doesn't listen to our complaints!

Swirl Girl said...

It just goes to show that women are SO much stronger than men.

Multi-taskers, we are indeed!

imbeingheldhostage said...

THAT is a gem! What a great disgruntled letter (and informative too, I didn't know about clod flashes... that explains a few things in my house).

Ronnica said...

This is just great. I think letters can make for some hilarious posts!

Sarah C. said...

This is so funny *sigh* I think she'll come for all of us sooner or later!

dddiva said...

Too funny and all too true. Still, though, it beats not being a woman. ;)

Dawn Ward said...

Auntie Flo...love that! I am in stitches! What an absolutely wonderful post!

Avery Tales said...

This is too funny!! I loved it so much that I emailed my to tell her she had to read it. She'll really be able to appreciate it. :)

Emily said...

Hahahahaha! That is fantastic! Great post!

Marrdy said...

Why can't things like this happen to the bad girls? The ones who kick puppy dogs? Why us nice girls? You have my sympathy. I feel your pain. But you have also left me in stitches and now I need to run to the rest room. (Another quaint bonus!)

La Pixie said...

Ive never heard of a cold flash, but it doesnt sound good.

Ive never had a break from Aunt Flo... Im pretty sick of her.

Finding Normal said...

I'm so not looking forward to all of that! I still have 10+ years, so maybe science will figure it a way out of the nasty stuff by then?

ChezChani said...

My mom took me to Menopause The Musical. She and her sister thought it was hysterical. With my own impending doom, I was frozen in fear. It might be funny in retrospect but with that to look forward too...NOOOO

I don't play slot machines but there is one that I like, it's called Hot Flashes. The bonus round is called Mood Swings. It's a girl going up and down on a swing, when she goes up she is laughing, when she goes down she is crying. I love it!

Susan said...

Ha ha ha.... Too funny! Love it! I already get hot flashes (at 34), does that mean they are going to get worse? Oh boy, I don't think I like the idea of that...

Kat said...

I loved this post.

On sunday I had to drive with my mom downtown because she has federal jury duty. And she gets really frazzled in traffic so I was riding with her to help her navigate downtown Atlanta (which sucks in trying to figure out where you are going - there are NO directional signs and few labeled streets!). She was hot flashin' like crazy!

-Bridget said...

I seem to bear all of these houseguests too, however Aunti Flo still takes up a big old space in my formal dining room. I'd like to eject them all too please. Is there somewhere nice we could send them permanently, like say...Siberia?

Mary Anna said...

Too funny (and so too true!). Luckily I'm not quite there yet, but after having 2 kids, it sure has felt like it sometimes! Happy SITS day!

Erin said...

Too funny! I couldn't have said it better myself!

Cassoulet Cafe said...

Very funny! I just came across your blog from SITS. :)

Brooke said...

That was so fun!! So, did it work? Has she came by yet? Let me know. Maybe I need to write a letter as well.

jenn3 said...

I still have some time, but I dread this.

Michelle said...

LOL......I'm really enjoying your style of writing.

Mandi said...

Oh I am SO sorry you have to deal with Mother Nature's relatives but oh my goodness, you are a fabulous writer! How funny!! I loved how you wrote it!

The Tripp Family said...

too funny, I do not envy you! And I know, my day will come :)

Mamasphere said...

I didn't know about cold flashes! No wonder my mom yells for the heat one minute, then for the fans the next.

meg said...

Yep- Old Mother Nature has a slot to answer for >:-(
Cold flashes, really? Yikes!

Jaina said...

Fantastically written! I agree with you, as much as I hate Aunt Flo, I think I'm looking forward to her departure even less. (and I'm only 23!)

Preston said...

You are so funny. As I guy, I have a little fear of responding with too much laughter to this post...but, as a father of a daughter, I know exactly what you mean. Yet my daughter has found a way to drug her "unwanted houseguest" and it's called YAZ. She barely knows she has guests anymore. She's happier. We're happier. I LOVE YAZ.

togetherforgood said...

This is HILARIOUS! Thanks for the giggle!

Tiffany said...

AHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

This is one of the best posts EVER.

Classic.

Girl, you are so funny.

wendy said...

Aack! You are the second person to mention the hair thing...!!! I am NOT looking forward to this!

Thanks for the chuckles and happy SITS day!

Michelle said...

Oh I love it! And ummm if that letter works, let me know in a few years. Those be some times I'm not looking forward to.

MarciaBrady said...

Karen, I feel your pain and understand. Auntie Flo has left you and taken up residence for me for the last six months and never leaves!!! Plus, her friends "crankiness" and "hot flashes" visits me quite often too. Along with an unwanted friend, who has taken up residence on my ovary, but is soon to be removed!! I just wanted to let you know I can relate and hope your "friends" leave very soon!!

Lindsay said...

You, my Mom, and Mother Nature need to have a long sit down about this. At least it's getting better for her, only because she had to have a hysterectomy! That letter was hilarious :)

littleeverydaythings said...

This post is too funny! I think it always helps to laugh at our troubles - we've got to keep them in their place! Happy SITS day!

Heather B. said...

omgosh I needed a laugh like that after the day I had! Soooo funny!!!!

Elliemae said...

Loved every bit of that story...not the reality of it...but loved the way you told it!!!

Melanie said...

Ohmy thank you, I needed a laugh. I was very unimpressed at the return of my own Auntie Flo's visits after nearly two years absence ... but the other visitors that come with the final departure just don't sound fun.

Dee said...

Hi, came via SITS

That baggage is something I am not looking forward too.....

mrsbear said...

lol. Great letter. Is this what I have to look forward to? Oh no. We should send mother nature a petition or something.

Hi there! I'm Leslie... said...

Unwanted Hair is just.... well... UNWANTED!!!!

mrsmouthy said...

Hoo-ee! Good luck with that. My MIL is in her 60s and STILL hangs out with Aunt Flo, poor thing.

Poetikat said...

I'm probably not going to say anything that hasn't already been said, so here's a link to a poem on this very subject:

http://hyggedigter.blogspot.com/2007/11/sweating-it-out.html

Hope it makes you laugh!

Don't you just love night sweats?

Kat

Live.Love.Eat said...

If it's not one thing it's another. But we're women, we're tough and we can handle it. We CAN handle it, right? :)

WheresMyAngels said...

I did not need to know all of this! Now I will be scared for my future. I have always dreaded the Hot Flashes, as I hate heat. When I was pregnant with my first child my mother was going thru the big M and we would both be having hot flashes and my father would get so cold! lol

Laurel Plum said...

I am laughing and crying at the same time! A wonderful letter! By the way, if she ever does come calling to answer your request, put in a good word for the rest of us!

Coco said...

I love this post.
I am not at that stage but I think you should only have these "problems" (though they are so much more) when you decide you are ready to conceive.

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